I Feel So
by JLLB
Summary: Finished.
1. Natsuki neechan

**I know. **_**Another **_**story. But before you groan and roll your eyes, hear me out. This one isn't too long, doesn't have an overabundance of drama like you're probably expecting and like Big Love does, and is one of those little plots that bug you until you write them down. So here it is. Expect OOCness because the characters are in an AU situation. Not much else to say, really – except the M is there for a reason (I'm naughty!). Also, I'll probably complete this before Big Love because this is considerably shorter and Big Love has more complex issues to be dealt with (but I'm writing them at the same time, yeah I'm cool!)**

**Mistakes, as always, are mine, Mai HiME is not.**

**Review?**

Shizuru remembered little about her mother that was comforting and happy.

Most of her memories were of a husk, pale and thin with little hair and dead eyes.

Those were not the kind of memories a child wanted to have of their mother, and so often she would desperately search her brain for something more soothing.

Flashes of full, rich golden hair here, warm and loving red eyes there, she decided she would have to piece together her own woman who bore her from fragments of happy memories and old photographs. She built the woman's character out of stories told by other relatives, and from her father later on, and had a special place in her mind she went to when she wanted to think about being in a mother's embrace.

She also had other memories, foggy images like old black and white silent films about how her family used to feel when her mother was still around.

A park near their home, golden-haired mama and dark haired papa pushing her on a swing and she went higher and higher, giggling and shrieking in delight – all three of them smiling in the warm sun.

The smell of cooking food, spicy aromas of Kyoto cuisine coming from the kitchen and the sounds of shared laughter between mama and papa, husband and wife who were so delightfully in love.

A bath and a bed time story, papa doing the bathing and mama reading the story as she curled up so deeply into her bed covers only the top of her head could be seen; mama laughing and tickling her girl beneath the quilts.

Going to preschool, her first day, driven there in papa's shiny red car as he held her hand, walking her to class as she tightly gripped him, nervous and not wanting to leave; "it's okay, Shi-chan. You'll do fine." Pride in his voice as she gave a shaky, determined nod and let go of his hand.

Papa's drawn face one day, grim and grey, gathering her into his arms and holding tight enough to hurt, his warm tears splashing on the crown of her head while she stayed limp in confusion.

The beep of life support machines and the horrid smell of bleach and other hospital chemicals; mother's lifeless form that seemed so much smaller stuffed with wires and propped up on giant pillows, just to keep her upright.

Hideko Fujino died of terminal cancer when Shizuru was just five.

She had been too young to truly understand, but she knew her mother was gone – dead – and she wasn't coming back.

"She is in heaven with the angels," papa told her through his tears; she was crying, too, "She is watching down on us now. She is in a better place."

Shizuru hadn't known why her mother wanted to go to a better place when her family was still in their house, wishing she would come back. Papa told her that mama had no choice, she had to leave, and would have stayed if she could.

They would have to do their best without her, and Shizuru had to accept this.

Upon his wife's death, Takashi Fujino changed.

Once, he had been brilliant; a businessman, sharp and focused with the potential to really go somewhere. After Hideko died, he became vague. He wore odd clothes and whistled off-key tunes to himself and was often lost in thought. He quit his job and instead decided to be a preschool teacher, making just enough money for the bills to be paid.

This meant that the remaining Fujinos could no longer afford to live in the expensive house they once owned, and so Takashi had moved himself and his daughter elsewhere, to a small town called Fuuka where he bought a quaint house and taught the youngest set of children at the school there as Shizuru moved up a year.

He became scatter-brained about a lot of things and when broached on why this was, he shuffled his feet and looked ashamed, much like a kid. But he adored his daughter and was the best father a broken man could ever be to her. There was no one in the world who loved her more than he did.

So Shizuru did not feel deprived, or lonely. She had lots of friends and a dad who always did his best with her, and so she was happy. They didn't have much money but they were getting on with life as content as they could be.

This did not change the fact that they both needed a mother figure in their lives, however.

Shizuru was young but knew her father longed for companionship. And when she was nine, it seemed he found it.

She began to notice things about him, little things that were different; his smiles changed, whereas once a little absent but always full of love for her, they suddenly seemed to have something of a purpose – perhaps even a dreamy-like quality to them.

He spent more time on his appearance in the mornings, wearing fashionable, smart and sleek things, combing and styling his hair and even putting on aftershave.

The off-key tunes he usually hummed turned into stronger, cheerful whistles, and he became more upbeat and candid. This in turn lifted Shizuru's mood whenever she saw her father bopping along to a song on the radio or dancing with the frying pan in the kitchen when cooking breakfast.

He was happier and she was happy that he was happy – but she was curious to know what had caused the change.

One day, when she came home from school, she found him sitting on the sofa, ready to tell her.

"Hey, Shi-chan," he called to her as she entered. She put her book bag on the floor and walked into his open and beckoning arms, releasing a happy sigh when he squeezed her and kissed her head. "How was school?"

"It was okay, papa," she answered, seating herself on his knee. "Haruka-chan gave a boy a black eye today."

"Really? Why did she do that?"

"Because he looked up her skirt," Shizuru giggled.

"Serves him right, then," Takashi said, and they both laughed. When it quietened, the air became serious. "Shizuru, I have something to tell you."

She shifted and wrapped her arms around her father's neck, squeezing for reassurance. "What is it, papa?"

"Well…" he was troubled with where to begin. "Shi-chan, honey…"

"Have you met someone, papa?"

Shizuru was very bright for her age, and very observant, too. Sometimes, Takashi forgot just how observant she really was. His surprise showed in both his eyes and his actions; blue orbs were wide, and he started when she said those words.

"I…ah…" He looked at her, searching her expression with some trepidation about what he was going to find. Her face was carefully blank as if she was waiting to see what he had to say next, though she seemed a bit confused about why he was giving her such an intense gaze.

"Was it that obvious?" He finally said. There was a hint of heat creeping in his cheeks; Shizuru decided it was a good look for him.

"No," she said, "but papa has been happier lately, and putting on aftershave and combing his hair. Haruka-chan told me it's because you want to smell and look good for someone, because you like them."

"H-hey!" Takashi felt a little of balance, but couldn't help being amused at his daughter's insightful but innocent deduction. "I always comb my hair!"

"Not always, papa," Shizuru bit her lip to stop herself from laughing. It was futile, for Takashi began to tickle her in the sides. "No, papa, no!" She cried and desperately wriggled, but he wouldn't let her out of his lap.

"That's for surprising me so much, Shi-chan," he told her in a soft but vengeful voice. She grinned at him, rosy cheeked, and with an eased expression he smoothed a lock of her tawny hair behind her ear. "But…yes. I have met someone. A wonderful someone who makes me very happy.

"Shi-chan, please don't think I'm replacing your mother. Nobody could ever do that, and I'll always love her, but I-"

"It's okay, papa," Shizuru interrupted. She rested her head in the crook of her father's neck. "I know you're not replacing mama. She's in Heaven watching over us and we have to live our lives. As long as we keep her in our hearts and never forget her, then we can move on and be happy. She would want that."

Takashi's eyes filled with relieved, touched tears and he pressed his child, his baby girl who was so understanding, close. "That's right, Shi-chan. We'll never forget her, and we'll see her again one day."

They stayed in companionable silence for a while, holding each other, and then with a big release of breath, Shizuru spoke.

"Can I meet her?"

Takashi chuckled. Shizuru felt it rumble through his chest. "I think you might have met her already."

"I have?"

"That depends," he said, "on whether you've been to the school nurse since we've been here in Fuuka."

Shizuru frowned and thought for a moment. An image of a kind face, glasses and blue hair came to mind.

"Ms Kuga?"

"Yes." His face heated again. "Ms Kuga."

Shizuru thought for a moment. That explained why, although his behaviour changed, her father seemed to spend the same amount of time at home – because he was already seeing her whilst at work. Shizuru's face split into a giant grin.

"Papa has the hots for the school nurse~" she sang, teasing, leaping out of his lap before he could tickle her again.

"I'm going to be teased for a while, aren't I?" Takashi cried dramatically, while his daughter hovered and laughed. "She's very keen on getting to know you," he then said, making no move to chase Shizuru.

"She is?" Shizuru asked, and Takashi nodded.

"Yes. I made it clear to her that you're the most important thing to me, and she told me she knows the feeling. She has a daughter herself."

"Really?" Now Shizuru was intrigued. A daughter might mean a new friend – maybe even a sister.

"She's older than you, though." Takashi said. Unbeknownst to his daughter, he was preparing for the pounce. "Fourteen, I think."

"Have you met her?" Unbeknownst to her father, Shizuru was preparing to run.

"Not yet, but it's a work in progress."

And then he sprang, nearly catching his daughter's delicate form as she danced out of the way. The house was filled with shrieks and laughter as father chased daughter, both happier than they had been in a long time.

A few weeks later, Takashi invited Ms Kuga to their house and told Shizuru that the woman would like to take her out for something to eat so they could get to know each other as it looked as though their relationship was getting serious.

Shizuru found herself nervous, fidgeting with the hem of her skirt and waiting for the doorbell to ring. She wanted to make a good impression for her father, because from the way he talked, he sounded as though he liked Ms Kuga very much indeed.

At school, she resisted the urge to sneak into the medical room to spy on Ms Kuga, mostly because she was afraid she would catch her father in there doing something she'd rather not see. It was a silly, but grounding thought. She had decided to be patient and wait.

"Relax, Shi-chan," her father said gently, "she'll like you."

Shizuru kept silent and when the familiar chime of their bell came, she shifted her feet. She was waiting in the hall, and her father opened the door and greeted the woman outside with happiness, care, and affection.

From her position, Shizuru gazed upon a slender woman with a very pretty face which was framed by her dark, midnight blue hair, nose honed by the sharp silver bifocals that rested on its bridge. She was wearing casual clothes, light brown knee-high boots, a plaited skirt and dark turtleneck. Behind those glasses were pale green eyes. Her pink lips were curved in a soft smile.

"Hello, there," she said gently as she came into the house and spotted the girl, "you must be Shizuru. Your father has told me all about you."

She had a soft voice, Shizuru noted. Her father was gazing at this woman with shining eyes. Shizuru had to admit, she was very pretty.

"Hello, Kuga-san," she replied, bowing respectfully and trying not to appear nervous, "it is a pleasure to meet you."

"My, so polite!" Kuga replied, smiling at Shizuru and her father. "Not like my Natsuki at all. That girl wouldn't know manners if you waved them in her face."

Ms Kuga spoke to her father as she said that and they shared a laugh. Shizuru assumed they were talking about her daughter.

"But please," she continued, "call me Saeko. After all, I hope to be on good terms with you because we will probably be seeing a lot more of each other after today."

Shizuru watched her father's face light up like a Christmas tree, and smiled. This woman seemed nice, friendly, and gave off a good vibe.

"Okay, Saeko."

Saeko smiled. "Great! So, Shizuru, your father tells me you like sushi?"

"I love it!" She replied happily.

"I know a really good sushi bar that's not far from here," Saeko said, "We can take my car, if you'd like to join me for a meal."

"I'd like that very much."

And so Saeko took Shizuru to the sushi bar where they sat, ate some really good sushi, and talked about lots of things – mostly her father.

Shizuru learned that Saeko and her father were quite taken with each other and had met a few months ago after a boy in her father's class hurt his leg and needed to be carried to the school nurse.

"I thought it was quite romantic," Saeko admitted, relaxing her chopsticks and looking fond, "he just threw open the door and carried that little boy inside like some kind of rescue hero. He looked very handsome, all concerned and such."

Shizuru giggled with a hand to her mouth.

"Of course," Saeko continued, "the boy had only sprained his ankle, and was very embarrassed with being carried through the halls by his teacher."

They both laughed then, and conversation was amiable even as they sat in the car and drove home. When Saeko's car turned down Shizuru's street, she slowed it and came to a halt outside the girl's house, engine still running.

"Shizuru," she said, getting the girl's attention. "I…hope that you don't find my presence an intrusion in you and your father's lives. I am truly not trying to steal your father away from you or ruin things for the two of you, and I would never dream of trying to replace your mother or anything terrible like that, but I like your father very much and I-"

"Saeko," Shizuru interrupted with a warm smile. She liked this woman a lot and in all honesty, would not mind in the slightest if she became further involved in she and her father's life. "It's okay. I know you're not trying to do any of those things, and my father likes you very much too. So do I. You're nice, and you make my father happy. Anybody who does that can't be bad in my book."

She reached over and touched Saeko's hand that rested on the gearstick. Saeko smiled at her, eyes suspiciously wet.

"It's hard to believe you're only nine years old," she said with a little bit of wonder. "But I'll solemnly promise you that I'll do what I can to make your father happy. Hopefully you, too."

"I'm glad," Shizuru said warmly and Saeko reached over with her other hand to pat Shizuru's.

"And maybe one day soon you'll get to meet my hellion of a daughter," Saeko continued, voice filled with affection when talking of her child, "I have to warn you, though. She's nowhere near as polite and well-mannered as you are."

Shizuru giggled. "I'll look forward to it."

One day soon turned out to be Shizuru's tenth birthday when she finally got to meet Saeko's elusive daughter. She'd heard much about her – Natsuki, the girl now had a name – but had yet to meet face to face, despite seeing Saeko on a frequent basis.

Saeko explained that this was because Natsuki was both busy with school and staying with her father, who had apparently claimed want of her for some time because apparently he was moving out of the country. Shizuru had wanted to ask about this but politely refrained.

She was playing Twister with her friends Chie, Yukino and Haruka when the doorbell rang to signal the Kugas had arrived for Shizuru's little party.

"Shizuru!" Her father called out, "Can you come here for a moment?"

She abandoned the Twister mat and Haruka's grumbles of loss while Chie celebrated victory, heading to the source of her father's voice.

He was standing in the hall and when Shizuru came to his side, she made eye contact with the most captivating person she had ever seen.

Standing next to Saeko was the woman's miniature, no doubt about that. The girl, shorter than her mother, had long midnight hair and the same pretty face (except for the lack of glasses), pert pink lips in a crooked little grin as she looked Shizuru over, as if she were inspecting. She was wearing a pair of torn jeans and a dark hoodie with the name of some band printed on.

But what stood out for Shizuru were this girl's eyes. They were a vivid emerald, not like her mother's pale green colour. And they stole Shizuru's breath away.

"Shizuru," her father placed his hands on Shizuru's shoulders, "Saeko would like you to meet her daughter."

"Hey there, squirt," a surprisingly husky voice came from the girl's lips, not soft like her mother's voice, "I'm Natsuki. Soon to be your onee-chan, when my mom finally gets the courage to throw tradition out the window and get on one knee."

"Natsuki!" Saeko cried, alarmed and embarrassed. Natsuki simply grinned, wide and toothy, while Shizuru's father laughed heartily. Shizuru herself couldn't stop staring at Natsuki, or that smile. She felt a faint flush come to her cheeks and didn't realise she was blushing until her father pointed it out.

"What's this, Shi-chan? Aren't you going to say something? I've never seen you so shy!"

"Heh, a lot of girls get like that around me," Natsuki said, preening a little. Saeko playfully swatted her daughter, who laughed and handed a bag to Shizuru. "Here. Happy birthday!"

When Shizuru took the bag, their fingers brushed. Natsuki's skin was soft and warm, and Shizuru found herself staring up into those emerald eyes.

"She's cute," Natsuki chuckled as Shizuru's face flamed, and then looked over the girl's shoulder, eyes bright. "Hey, is that Twister? I'm pro at that!"

She took off down the hall to join the Twister game, and Saeko sighed after her daughter while Shizuru stood in something like a stupor.

"I'm sorry, Takashi," Saeko said, "She's always like that. Very brash. Not a tacit bone in her body, I'm afraid – something she gets from her father."

"Don't worry, it's fine. Natsuki is a wonderful girl, and very welcome in our house. Wouldn't you say, Shizuru?"

Shizuru snapped out of her stupor, placing a single hand to her flaming cheek. "Very welcome," she breathed, deigning to look in the bag. Inside was a book Shizuru had been after for weeks; she smiled gratefully at Saeko, who shook her head.

"Natsuki bought that for you," she explained, "after I told her it was your birthday coming up and I was going to bring her along. She asked what you might like and I mentioned that book."

For some reason, that warmed Shizuru's heart a little and she held the book close.

"I shall have to thank her, then." She bowed politely and followed after Natsuki, leaving the adults to talk.

When Shizuru entered the living room again she saw Natsuki playfully wrestling Haruka on the Twister mat for a left hand green, while Chie laughed and a giggling Yukino span the arrow and gave directions.

She didn't get to say thank you to Natsuki for the gift, as she spent most of the afternoon watching the girl instead, trying to figure out what that odd feeling inside her was and why Natsuki was the only thing she could focus on.

One thing she knew for sure was that she was definitely going to like Natsuki-neechan.

Saeko and Natsuki moved in with them a few months after Shizuru's birthday.

Takashi had been worried at first that Shizuru wouldn't be happy to share her room with Natsuki, but those worries were soon eased when Shizuru admitted she was delighted. She had seen Natsuki a few times since her birthday and every time the girl had made her laugh and blush – she _liked _Natsuki.

Natsuki was interesting and made her stomach feel fluttery; she wanted to find out why and to do that, she had to be around Natsuki more.

Confirmation from Saeko ensured Natsuki didn't mind sharing a room either.

"She's always wanted a sister," Shizuru heard Saeko say one afternoon when she was having tea with her father.

Sister.

For some reason the word didn't sit well in Shizuru's throat when she thought of Natsuki, but she wasn't sure why. She liked Natsuki, so why shouldn't it? Perhaps it was because she wasn't used to the idea of having a sister.

Shizuru thought it over but came to no real conclusions, and by that time, Saeko and Natsuki had sold their house and moved in with her and her father.

Confusing thoughts aside, Shizuru was happy. She got to see Natsuki every day and learn more about her. The more she learned, the more she liked.

Shizuru's room was halved for the two girls, Natsuki's bed on one side and Shizuru's on the other. On Natsuki's side, posters covered the walls, posters of things she enjoyed.

There were pictures of motorbikes – Shizuru discovered Natsuki wanted to learn how to drive one when she was seventeen – and of wolves – they were Natsuki's favourite animal – and a couple of music posters of bands Shizuru had never heard of.

Natsuki loved video games, and had several consoles. She brought a television and those consoles into Shizuru's, no, _their_ room, but instead of setting them up on her side she had done it in the middle of the room.

"What's mine is yours," she said to Shizuru with a smile.

Natsuki's favourite game of all was The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time ™. She told Shizuru she had completed it at least forty times and knew all the glitches, glitches that Shizuru eventually learned, too. Another game she had completed many times was Resident Evil 2.

The girls had lots of fun killing zombies and made a competition out of Survivor Mode about who could kill the most zombies without dying.

Shizuru had never played a video game before, but by the time she was eleven, she was a pro.

Natsuki's favourite kind of music was a genre called Grunge. Shizuru had never heard of it before, but Natsuki loved it; she listened to bands called Smashing Pumpkins and Garbage – odd names for music bands, Shizuru thought, but they suited the kind of music they played, she supposed. Shizuru didn't like it much but got used to it over time.

Natsuki also played the keyboard a little. She owned a large one, and at the top of each key she had written its letter in bold blue marker. Mostly she could play pieces from the video games she played – self-taught – but she could also play a few classical tunes. She told Shizuru she didn't properly want to learn and only did it for fun.

When Shizuru asked Natsuki to teach her, the girl complied; Shizuru had a knack for piano almost straight away, and soon knew all the songs Natsuki could perform and played them better than Natsuki herself.

"You're really good at that," Natsuki had told her; Shizuru flushed with success, "maybe you should learn. Like, properly, not just the crappy tunes I'm teaching you."

"Would Natsuki like to hear me play?" It was asked coyly and with a bit lip. Shizuru hadn't quite known why she was acting that way.

"Sure I would," Natsuki grinned, "I bet you'd be awesome."

At school the next day, Shizuru signed up for piano lessons and threw herself into them so she could play well for Natsuki whenever she wanted. Anything Natsuki wanted.

Shizuru learned that Natsuki sometimes skipped school to hang out with her friends. Those friends were invited to their house on occasion, and whenever they were, Shizuru was always involved in what they were doing – unless of course their parents were out for the evening and Natsuki and her friends were smoking pot.

Then, Shizuru was downstairs watching television with the promise not to tell Natsuki's mother. And she would never tell, not on Natsuki.

Sometimes she and Natsuki shared a bed. They didn't do this often but when they did, Shizuru found it simultaneously easy and hard to fall asleep, as though part of her didn't want to go to dream land and instead wanted to savour the moment. With her head on Natsuki's chest, the girl's breasts as her pillow, Shizuru could hear Natsuki's heart beating in her ear, slow and strong.

She could hear her own thundering, too, and imagined they were beating at the same time and pace, to the same rhythm. They were one. Natsuki loved her, she knew, and she loved Natsuki, too. But she was beginning to suspect their loves were different.

When Shizuru was thirteen, her father finally married Natsuki's mother.

The wedding was a big ordeal, a highly talked about event in Fuuka. The church had been booked and lots of people were invited; many of Shizuru's friends and their families were coming, and that was the same was with Natsuki's friends.

The rehearsals were fun, because Natsuki always embarrassed her mother in her speeches and with cut-in comments while Saeko was doing her own. Shizuru laughed a lot, and was pleased because she had never seen her father so happy.

The day of the wedding was the most eventful, however, because it was the first time Shizuru had ever seen Natsuki in a dress.

Utterly swept off her feet with the way Natsuki looked in a bridesmaid gown, with her hair pinned up, make up on and wearing pretty earrings, she barely paid any attention to the ceremony at all and kept her eyes on Natsuki.

She watched the vows and watched Natsuki at the same time, and found herself longing to be up there like her father was, holding Natsuki's hands like her father was holding Saeko's, kissing Natsuki like her father was kissing Saeko, marrying Natsuki like her father was Saeko.

She came to the conclusion, at last, that the reason Natsuki-neechan sounded so bad to her ears was because she didn't love Natsuki that way. She loved Natsuki like someone who wanted to marry her. It was accepted in Shizuru's mind simply because there was nothing else she could do.

She loved Natsuki like her papa loved Saeko.

She wanted to be Natsuki's girlfriend.

Natsuki might not love her back the same way, but that was because she didn't know.

Shizuru looked over at Natsuki and felt a thrill go through her body as their eyes met. Natsuki grinned at Shizuru as their parents said 'I do' and Shizuru smiled back.

Later, after the ceremony, Shizuru caught up with Natsuki outside the church as the newlyweds fanned out to talk to guests.

"Natsuki looks so beautiful," she gushed, tugging at a lock of hair as she felt her cheeks warm.

Natsuki preened. "I clean up nice, I know," she said smugly, but then shifted. "But this dress feels so awful – can't wait to get out of it. Anyway, you look pretty gorgeous yourself, squirt."

She then reached forward and rustled Shizuru's hair gently, heading off when a friend called her over.

Shizuru pouted. Natsuki always called her squirt. It was a nickname borne of affection, Shizuru knew, but it meant the same thing regardless.

She was little compared to Natsuki.

She supposed she was, in reality. Natsuki was seventeen (learning to ride a motorcycle, just like she wanted) while Shizuru was thirteen. When their ages were compared, she was quite a bit younger.

But it was okay. Shizuru knew what to do.

Many considered fourteen as the number when most girls came of age – while she wasn't entirely sure what that meant, she was sure reaching fourteen would be significant in the presenting of her love to Natsuki.

Thirteen still sounded young and babyish, but fourteen meant a girl was on the road to adulthood. It was decided; when Shizuru turned fourteen, she would tell Natsuki she loved her. She pictured the two of them, stood at the altar like their parents, touching and kissing and swapping vows.

She was almost giddy with excitement.

But she didn't get to confess when she reached fourteen, because a week before her birthday, Natsuki brought somebody home.

Shizuru was sitting in the kitchen when it happened. Sipping tea and completing algebra homework with the help of Saeko, she heard the door click and Natsuki's voice filter down the hallway. The usual rush of butterflies came to her stomach and she automatically smiled – but then heard a second voice chatting, too.

"Mom?" Natsuki called out.

"In the kitchen, darling!" Saeko replied, and Shizuru listened to two sets of footsteps coming closer.

Natsuki entered the kitchen, and Shizuru's eyes were immediately drawn to the teal haired girl who was holding Natsuki's hand and looking shy.

"Hey guys," Natsuki said, excited, "this is my girlfriend, Tomoe."

Shizuru's heart fell out.


	2. A Jealous Awakening

**Thanks for the reviews, I love you all! This (and Big Love's update which I am in the process of re-writing because I looked at it and just went - NO) are late because I am very sick at this point in time. I am doped up on pills as of this moment so if there are glaring errors and general wtf-ness of this chapter (aside from the obvious) then you know what to blame. **

**So much Tomoe hate! Wow! Why did I pick her to be Natsuki's girlfriend, you ask? Why not? **

**Also, to shezaei-neko…you probably won't like this chapter much. But it's a very important focal point for Shizuru's development, I promise! Lust and love are two different things, and although often intertwined, there is no doubt that they both give a person a separate mind-set when in the throes. With that said, try to enjoy? **

**Warning for this chapter: sexytimes!**

**Review?**

Shizuru's fourteenth birthday turned out to be one of the worst in her life.

A party was held in the Fujino-Kuga house, all of Shizuru's friends invited, friends who brought laughter and fun and games, music and presents and distraction.

Takashi and Saeko had a blast planning the party, getting lots of cake and decorations and balloons and streamers, making the event as colourful and lively as possible.

With Shizuru's birthday falling so close to Christmas, she was used to her birthdays being a little watered down because the season meant people were out preparing for Christmas day and spending all their money on gifts – it was a bit of a surprise when she opened her present to find a brand spanking new Gameboy™ Advance SP with Pokémon Ruby held together by a delicate little purple ribbon.

Shizuru loved Pokémon, playing Gold version to death on Natsuki's old Gameboy™ Color until the battered thing had finally called it a day and died.

Since the SP and Ruby had just been released, Shizuru knew she was holding an expensive gift, and discovered that her parents and Natsuki had chipped in together to buy it for her.

She was grateful to everyone, for her gifts and the party and happy that they'd all come to spend the day with her, laughing and dancing and eating cake and trying to make her feel good on the day she began the trek to womanhood – but she couldn't enjoy it, and all her previous excitement for this particular age day had vanished.

The party and the guests didn't feel as good to Shizuru, because…

_She _was also here.

Tomoe Marguerite, the recently christened bane of Shizuru's existence. Shizuru hated her the moment she set eyes on her.

Tomoe, with her green hair in its stupid, crazy style and her blushing cheeks and her shy looks and her mouse-like demeanour and her tiny hand held so securely in Natsuki's as the girl proudly presented Tomoe to them all as her significant other.

Tomoe, who suddenly seemed to be everywhere upon her reveal, at their house every night, spending time with Natsuki, laughing with Natsuki, touching Natsuki, kissing Natsuki. All the things Shizuru should have been doing with Natsuki, not Tomoe.

Their parents liked Tomoe. Takashi said about how nice the girl seemed and how it was good for Natsuki to have a relationship of that kind because it would help her grow, and Saeko gushed at how cute Tomoe was, making both the green haired girl and Natsuki blush.

Shizuru didn't think Tomoe was cute.

Tomoe's hair was strange, cut weirdly and an odd green colour. Tomoe had a sharp kind of face that Shizuru thought could never be cute. Tomoe had dull grey eyes that were such a bland colour Shizuru found it difficult to look at them. Tomoe was short, the same height as Shizuru even though she was much older.

Tomoe shuffled her feet a lot and seemed awkward in the faces of their parents. She blushed at every compliment and twirled a lock of hair around her finger bashfully. Shizuru hated it when Tomoe did that, because Natsuki could never seem to keep her eyes off the girl when it happened.

Tomoe was well-mannered, despite her shyness, and always willing to help Saeko and Takashi out with things while at the house. "I can do those dishes," she would say, or "I can tidy up that mess," when in the presence of such things.

"Isn't she a star!" Saeko would gush, while Natsuki grinned proudly and Tomoe gave a nervous smile.

Shizuru didn't think Tomoe was a star. She thought Tomoe was a pest.

Tomoe seemed to sense the animosity Shizuru had for her, because she made a point of staying out of the younger girl's way and only offering greetings when appropriate. Shizuru did the same, polite to save face, and to keep Natsuki happy because that was the thing: Natsuki liked Tomoe.

Shizuru knew on some level that if she were rude and unkind to Tomoe, it would upset Natsuki. She couldn't upset Natsuki – but she could never feel anything other than despise for Tomoe, who had taken her sorely awaited place at Natsuki's side as her girlfriend.

She couldn't be angry at Natsuki – because Natsuki didn't know. Shizuru knew it was uncommon for sisters to be girlfriends, but that was also okay, because she and Natsuki weren't real sisters. Not by blood, and that was what counted.

But it was hard to keep thinking it – _she doesn't know _– when Natsuki kissed Tomoe's cheek or held her hand or cuddled her in Shizuru's sight. It only made her madder at Tomoe for stealing Natsuki away.

It stung particularly on her birthday, simply because _it was her birthday_ and therefore the day was meant to be hers. She wanted nothing more than Natsuki's unrivalled attention, but she was denied it because Tomoe had been invited to her party, which meant Natsuki spent most of the time trying to make the teal haired girl feel welcome.

Shizuru distracted herself with party games and her friends, but the sight of Natsuki cuddled up with Tomoe in the back of the room was always in the corner of Shizuru's eye, regardless of which direction she turned her head.

They left the party early because they were going to see a movie, and that night Shizuru went to bed a year older with no Natsuki to show for it.

It seemed like from the day Natsuki brought her home, Tomoe was everywhere. At school, because Natsuki gave her a lift on her motorcycle, Tomoe was always waiting somewhere for the dark haired girl.

They were always spending time together, almost every night Tomoe being invited to the house where she and Natsuki would sit on the former's bed and listen to music and talk and giggle and kiss. Shizuru particularly hated the last one, and made a point to stay out of the bedroom – by either watching television downstairs or going to a friend's house – and she began to spend less time with Natsuki.

Natsuki's attitude towards Shizuru did not change; she still loved her step sister immensely, spoiled her on occasion, and held the same affection in both her actions and tone when speaking to Shizuru.

On the days she was free of Tomoe she spent them with Shizuru, either doing something fun at home or taking the girl out some place, like bowling or to the movies.

She still versed Shizuru at video games, checking up on her progress in Pokémon Ruby and approved of her current team, and generally seemed no different towards Shizuru despite having a girlfriend – except for her decline in free time.

This made it more difficult for Shizuru to swallow the situation, because Natsuki had not changed in the slightest and was still the amazing, caring and beautiful Natsuki she had always been – everything was Tomoe's fault.

She had ruined Shizuru's plan, dashed her hopes for the future, and Shizuru just wished she would disappear so that she could take her place at Natsuki's side instead, where she belonged. Shizuru tried to settle for what she could; a kiss on the cheek or a hug from Natsuki, but her longing to be held and know of Natsuki's reciprocating feelings was ever present.

However, on Valentine's Day, two months after her birthday, her longings changed.

Saeko and Takashi had plans to spend their first Valentine's Day as a married couple in Tokyo – which was quite the distance from Fuuka, as it were. Natsuki was to be left in charge with the promise that she would look after Shizuru properly, even though both parents knew that Shizuru was mature enough to care for herself.

They left early Friday morning to head to the train station with happy, excited goodbyes to their children, looking very much like people in love looking forward to spending the day dedicated to them in only each other's company.

Shizuru had been happy for their parents that morning, and Natsuki the same, if a little distracted. Shizuru wondered with a burning heart if it was because Natsuki was thinking about Tomoe.

Nevertheless, Shizuru decided she would not dwell on those thoughts and that today, she would get home before Natsuki and cook a grand meal for them both in celebration, as she had been taking cooking lessons from Saeko, who was very good at the culinary arts.

Although, Shizuru thought wryly as she clambered on the back of Natsuki's bike and wrapped her arms around the distracted girl's waist, anything with mayonnaise on it would be a grand meal for Natsuki.

The dark haired girl had given her sister an absent goodbye with a kiss on the cheek that Shizuru felt for hours afterwards, and Shizuru had spent the day wondering about Natsuki's uncharacteristic absentmindedness while being surprised at receiving so many valentines from people she did not know.

Unfortunately, none of them were from Natsuki – Shizuru didn't want to spoil her day by thinking of Tomoe, so she concentrated on her lessons and the giggling from excited pupils as they regaled stories about their significant others', or lack of in some cases.

Shizuru had already told Natsuki that she was not going to wait for her to get out of class and was going to walk home instead, so when her final bell rang she began a brisk pace to get cooking. So deep in her task she was, steaming rice and mincing vegetables, that she failed to register when Natsuki arrived home.

"Hey, squirt!" She called, brighter than she had been in the morning; Shizuru's stomach fluttered as usual, "what'cha doin'?"

Natsuki was leaning against the door frame, looking casual in her altered uniform – she always wore a hoodie beneath the guideline wear – with her bag absently slung over her shoulder. Shizuru's breath caught looking at her; dark bangs in front of those vivid green eyes, Natsuki looked sleek, mysterious, and sexy.

It took a moment for Shizuru to answer as she pondered that last word.

"Welcome home, Natsuki," she said with a smile, "I am preparing dinner for us; it shall be ready soon."

"Really?" Said Natsuki, sniffing the air. "Smells delicious, what is it?"

"Natsuki shall have to wait and see."

"Okay." Natsuki's chuckle was low and husky and it sent unknown shivers down Shizuru's spine. She watched the girl exit the kitchen and placed a hand over her racing heart, ordering it to slow down.

She threw herself back into cooking with gusto, concentrating on rice, fish, vegetables and nothing more; not the sounds of the television coming from the living room, or Natsuki's footfalls as she walked to-and-fro, or her own blood thundering in her ears as she kept thinking of that word.

Sexy.

Shizuru knew what it meant and how it was to be used, but she herself putting it into real life context was different. It changed the word, the meaning more important, especially moulded around someone like Natsuki.

The word fit, and it was right. Natsuki was sexy.

Shizuru suddenly couldn't wait for their dinner to be ready so she could have Natsuki sitting opposite her at the table.

Twenty minutes felt like two hours but finally, they were sharing a table. Shizuru had dished out healthy portions, but was struggling to eat hers because she kept watching Natsuki and swirling that word around in her mind.

Although, she had to admit with a private giggle, Natsuki did not look sexy shovelling food into her mouth as though it was going to be taken away from her without warning. Saeko was constantly barking at her daughter for her atrocious table manners, but Natsuki always ate with such affected gusto.

"This is really good, squirt," she managed around a mouthful; Shizuru flushed with success, beaming at the praise. Natsuki's eating manners were a sight for sore eyes, yes, but Shizuru was content in the knowledge that she was eating that way because she was enjoying the meal.

"Ookini, Natsuki."

The dark-haired girl was finished long before Shizuru, but Shizuru was following steadily behind now that nothing was occupying Natsuki's mind and so she would know Shizuru was staring at her. The empty plate before her held a single few lone grains of rice, which Natsuki moved about absently with her cutlery. She looked like she wanted to say something, and as Shizuru was raising a forkful of food to her mouth, she did just that.

"Will you be okay here on your own for a few hours?" She asked. Shizuru's hand paused in the air, incredibly still. "I know I'm not s'posed to leave you alone, but I gotta head out somewhere tonight…"

_With Tomoe_.

Shizuru thought of Natsuki's unspoken words, and felt a stab go through her chest. Suddenly she wasn't hungry anymore. She lowered her fork back to the plate, but affected a mild smile.

"How long will Natsuki be gone?" She asked genially.

"Couple hours, I think," Natsuki said, nodding. She seemed relieved; Shizuru was paradoxically glad she could give that to her beloved, and angry that it was because of the prospect of spending time with Tomoe. "Shouldn't be too long. I don't wanna leave you alone for too much time; that's just irresponsible."

_Am I just a responsibility to you, Natsuki?_ Shizuru looked into Natsuki's eyes and saw them filled with trouble, tender affection, and excitement about the upcoming hours. No, Shizuru knew, Natsuki cares for you and means that she wants to return for you.

That made the feeling in her chest lessen a little. It also gave a little realism to her smile. "I will be fine, Natsuki," she said, watching a blinding smile split across Natsuki's face. She was partly responsible, and that felt good, at least.

"Great! I promise I'll be back before midnight, okay?" Natsuki got up, dumped her plate in the sink and affectionately ruffled Shizuru's hair. "Better get changed outta this monkey suit –gotta leave in half an hour."

Natsuki hurried up the stairs and Shizuru absently finished her dinner; she didn't fix her hair once.

Natsuki left at something close to seven, making sure that Shizuru locked the door after her and told her to call if something came up, no matter how small. It warmed Shizuru to think of the care Natsuki was taking with her, but she was faced with a dilemma:

What to do now that Natsuki was gone. She washed the dishes, finished her homework, and sat on the edge of her bed and tried desperately not to think about what Natsuki was doing with Tomoe at that point in time. She was fighting the urge to call Natsuki for the sake of calling, but that would upset her.

There was really only one thing for it; she went to sleep.

She was awoken again a few hours later, though she could not be certain of the time. Her head felt stuffy like she'd had a bad sleep, and she was a little cotton-mouthed. Her eyes, bleary, told her it was late because the room was dark, but that was as much as she could garner.

Why she woke up, however, she could hear.

The bedroom door creaked open, and Shizuru's heart raced. Natsuki was home. She was glad, because that meant she wasn't out with Tomoe–

"Natsuki! Can we turn the light on?"

Oh.

She _was_ with Tomoe. She'd just…brought her home. Shizuru scowled into her covers; her back was to the bedroom door, so even if she'd wanted to see them, she couldn't. Shizuru didn't want to see Tomoe's face. She was already picturing it, green hair and grey eyes watching Natsuki. Her nasal voice was grating, and Shizuru was torn between staying awake to listen to them and going back to sleep to block them out.

But she knew there was no way she was going to return to dream land now.

"Ssh! No! My sister's asleep!" Natsuki whisper-hissed in reply. As they tried unsuccessfully to quietly stumble into the room, Shizuru caught the faintest whiffs of alcohol.

"Oh," Tomoe hiss-whispered in reply, "sorry."

They were padding over to the general direction of Natsuki's bed; suddenly there was a crash, and a curse from Natsuki.

"Ow! Fuck!"

Tomoe giggled; Shizuru thought it was the worst sound in the universe.

"Shush, Tomoe!" Natsuki commanded, "You'll wake my sister!"

"No, _you_ will," came a husky, petulant, playful reply.

"_You _will."

"No, _you_ will."

They both erupted into giggles, and Shizuru heard the creak of Natsuki's bed springs as they sat on it.

"I think we both will," Natsuki managed; she was decisively intoxicated, because Shizuru knew that Natsuki chuckled, not giggled, unless she was under the influence. She supposed that Tomoe was, too.

"Not if we're quiet…"

The response was whispered, and Shizuru had to strain to hear. Then she heard a sound that she wished she hadn't; the soft, unmistakable smack of lips pressing together and retreating in a kiss. It seemed to reverberate off the walls of the bedroom and inside Shizuru's head.

Natsuki and Tomoe were kissing.

It filled her with such…powerful emotions that she had to duck her head beneath her quilt and try not to cry out. Natsuki and Tomoe; it was wrong. It should be Natsuki and Shizuru. She felt hatred at Tomoe, disgust at Tomoe, but…

As the bed creaked again, the sound of cloth rustling as it accommodated two people lying down on it, Shizuru found that the soft moans that were beginning to come from Natsuki were…fascinating. And they were making her feel strange.

"Mm…" Natsuki's murmur was like a caress in the air. Unbidden, Shizuru shivered. She'd never heard Natsuki's voice like that. It was low and sleek like molten gold and she imagined it was tangible and could be poured as liquid.

Shizuru listened to them kiss for a little while, struggling with her conflicting emotions; jealousy, intrigue, longing. Then there was the sound of a zipper being undone and a connection of flesh on flesh, Natsuki's gasp cutting the heady air. It was a strained gasp; she spoke, her voice husky.

"T-Tomoe…are you sure?"

"Yes…" Tomoe sounded just as husky, but to Shizuru, the differences between she and Natsuki were startling. Natsuki's voice brought gooseflesh along her arms, whereas Tomoe's had the power to take it away. "The movie tonight was great, and I love the necklace you gave me…but what I really want for Valentine's Day is you."

"But…my sister…" Natsuki's protests were half hearted.

"We'll be quiet. That is…if you _can _be quiet during what I'm going to do to you."

Shizuru suddenly found herself in the thralls of anticipation. What was Tomoe going to do to Natsuki?

A heady moan cut through her thoughts; it came from Natsuki. Shizuru could tell she'd tried to dampen it as much as possible, but it was still loud. There was more rustling of cloth, and then a gentle thud as something hit the floor. She wished she could roll over to try and make out what it was, but she had a feeling it was Natsuki's shirt.

"T-Tomoe…" Natsuki whispered in a way that sent foreign shivers down Shizuru's spine. There was a click of a bra's catch being undone, the creak of bed springs as two people shifted to accommodate the removal of underwear, and that, too, hit the floor.

"Natsuki…can I touch you?" Tomoe's voice held that same silky quality, but Shizuru only wanted to hear her sister.

"Yeah…"

The unique sound of skin rubbing against skin filled the room, mixing with Natsuki's sudden breathy, tangent gasps that she was desperately trying to hold in. Tomoe was touching Natsuki's breasts, and Natsuki was enjoying it. Natsuki's breasts…an odd sensation rippled through Shizuru's body, like an angry tingle that hovered in her stomach for a moment, before settling between her legs.

Her fingers twitched when she realised she felt…excited. She wondered what Natsuki's breasts looked like; her own were still developing, and memory regaled her with her sister's decent sized bust and the occasional glimpse at her bras – Natsuki was very careful with her lingerie, even though the two shared a room.

"Your breasts are amazing, Natsuki," Tomoe said, "they fit in my hands perfectly…"

Shizuru wondered if they would fit better in her hands than Tomoe.

Natsuki's only response was an unintelligible mumble, and then a high pitched squeak which was hounded by Tomoe's devious chuckle.

"Such pert nipples…you _want _me…"

"_Yes_…"

Shizuru's right hand began to drift on its own accord beneath her night shirt. Her fingertips skimmed the soft mound of one of her breasts and left a tingling trail; a shock went through her when they brushed over her nipple. It was so difficult not to make a sound, because she was torn. They would stop if they thought she was awake, but Shizuru wasn't sure that was what she wanted.

On one hand, there was Tomoe, doing things to her sister that the green haired girl shouldn't be doing. Coming awake now would put a stop to that, if momentarily, and it would probably get rid of Tomoe, but…

Natsuki was making such breath taking sounds that were giving Shizuru sensations she'd never had before. Shizuru wanted to keep hearing them.

"Natsuki…" Tomoe whispered in between Natsuki's heavy breathing. There was the sound of another zipper being undone, and Natsuki failed to truly hold in the next gasp that followed. If Shizuru had truly been asleep before they arrived, she would have awoken now. "You're already so wet…"

Wet…

It was how Shizuru would describe the feeling between her own legs. Wet, hot, tingling…aching. The fingers that had brushed over her nipple were now circling it with intent; Shizuru felt flushed, claustrophobic beneath her quilt, like she was on fire on the inside.

Her other hand began to drift down, slipping under her bed shorts to the junction between her legs. Her dark curls were damp and as she thought, her fingers came away wet, the substance coating them hot and thick. She could barely stop the jerk her body gave when those fingers touched the glistening flesh of her sex.

She'd taken sex ed in school. While most of the girls had tittered between each other at things, especially the video concerning male genitals, Shizuru had watched with a sort clinical detachment. Body parts, feelings and actions were described along with the hormones that made them and what a girl or boy could do – by themselves or with each other – to "feel good".

Some of the students in the class were already feeling the urges, but Shizuru hadn't been. The teacher said that everyone was different and bloomed at a different time, fast or slow, passionate or subtle. Most of the school were talking about sex, along with most of Shizuru's friends, being that she was part of a slightly older group being that Chie was a year older than her and known to be a bit promiscuous, but it never interested Shizuru.

What she wanted from a person – Natsuki – was companionship and love. Sex hadn't been much of a focal point in those desires. But it seemed she had awakened, blooming in a passionate burst to the sound of her sister getting off with her girlfriend, wishing she could be the one touching Natsuki instead. It was almost surreal.

"Nngh…Tomoe," Natsuki was moaning, struggling with her desire, "I want you…inside…"

Shizuru's breath hitched, and in her mind the words played differently.

_Shizuru…I want you…inside…_

Tomoe's heavy chuckle spoiled it. "You asked for it."

"Guh!" A slick sound, like putting a finger in chocolate pudding, clashed with Natsuki's gruff cry, and Tomoe made a long, drawn noise.

"You're so tight…"

Shizuru's own fingers returned to her damp curls, pushing past them hesitantly, exploring. Her flesh was hot and sticky; she quivered when she ran a finger along one of her outer lips, the feeling intensifying when she shut her eyes and listened to Natsuki panting, imaging it was she who was touching her in such a way.

Tomoe's finger pumped in and out of Natsuki at a decent pace, and the air filled with the scent of pheromones and sex. Shizuru's own fingers got braver; her teeth bit down fiercely on her bottom lip when she discovered that small bundle of nerves nestled like a crown above her sex's entrance, alive with feeling and desperate to be touched.

_Natsuki…_

"Ughn…ah…more…" Natsuki whimpered, "Tomoe…I want…more…"

"Insatiable," was Tomoe's strained reply. Nevertheless, she added another finger and a raw sound came from Natsuki's throat.

Almost like it was a prompt, Shizuru slipped a finger inside herself. It was euphoria; a barrier of innocence breached for the first time. Natsuki's name was under her tongue, in her mind and heart, in the blood that was beginning to seep from her lip where she was biting it so hard to keep quiet. Pain and pleasure were a strange mix, but as Shizuru silently explored, all she could think about was her sister.

Her other fingers seemed to know what to by themselves; pinching her clit just a little and giving her taut nipple a squeeze. It was incredible.

"Ngh…I'm close…Tomoe…" Natsuki said; the bed springs continuously squeaked and Shizuru found her rhythm to both those sounds and Natsuki's moans.

"Come for me," Tomoe whispered; a shift of beings and this time it was Tomoe who gasped. She continued in a tense tone, "Come for me, Natsuki…"

A pressure was building up in the back of Shizuru's mind, like white light trying to break free. She was beginning to see stars as she delved harder and deeper.

_I'll come for you, my Natsuki…_

The bed springs gave a violent screech as Natsuki lurched forward, the intense and undiluted sound of her orgasm being caught in Tomoe's mouth as the girl sealed their lips together. It was a drawn out, muffled moan that was so passionate it drove Shizuru over the edge.

She rode the wave of blinding pleasure, breathing out her sister's name as quietly as she could manage. She moved a little, limbs jerking, and it was impossible to keep those still. It seemed neither of the other bed's occupants noticed, too caught up in the afterglow.

The room fell silent before the sounds of laboured breathing filled it. Shizuru was sweating, fringe stuck to her forehead as she sweltered beneath the covers. Her heart was beating like a jack hammer in her chest, the hand she pulled from between her legs dripping. She couldn't form words, exhausted but buzzing at the same time. That had been amazing…but there was still that twinge in her chest that knew it would have been so much better if Natsuki had actually touched her and brought her to those heights of pleasure.

Or better yet, she brought Natsuki there instead of Tomoe.

"That was…awesome…" Natsuki finally breathed at length, still trying to catch her breath. There was a shuffling as Tomoe climbed off Natsuki and into the bed beside her.

"It was," she chuckled, "the best Valentine's gift ever."

The girls fell asleep together in the warm afterglow, and Shizuru stayed awake alone, hot and sticky, desperately waiting for morning so she could take a shower and change her clothes. It was hard to sleep from the after-orgasm buzz, but it was Tomoe's presence keeping her awake, she and her sister's mingled breaths reminding her of what she couldn't have.

But there was hope.

The sex ed teacher had stressed that sex should be about love, and while some students in the class scoffed, the romanticists agreed. There had been no love declaration from either Natsuki or Tomoe, despite the intimate act. If there were no love declarations, there was no love, which meant Shizuru still had a chance.

She finally managed to get to sleep on those thoughts, her discovery of a new way she wanted Natsuki – as she hadn't previously believed she could want the girl any more than she already did – and her dreams were much, much different than the usual.

She was sticker and wetter than before when she woke up the next morning, but renewed with determination. Even the sight of Natsuki and Tomoe curled up together in the former's bed couldn't deter her, and she couldn't wait for the weekend to be over so she could speak to Chie about her new…development.

Though, as her cheeks flushed while she busied herself with some toast, she wondered how difficult it was going to be to look at Natsuki for a while without thinking about…that.

She ended up burning her toast in accidental negligence, setting off the fire alarm and waking up a half-naked, slightly hung over Natsuki who rushed down the stairs without getting fully dressed because she was in a panic about the thought of her sister setting the kitchen on fire.

Needless to say, it had been a demonstration to Shizuru of just how much more difficult her life with Natsuki was about to become.


	3. Crash

**Thanks again for the reviews (even if most of you were disgusted about Tomoe). This is the last chapter of I Feel So (told you it was little) so I'm grateful to you all for reading this. I originally didn't plan to have this chapter play out this way but…eh. Things happen. Maybe I'll write an alternate ending someday, but I don't know. Anyway, thanks again. Where would we publishers be without you guys? **

**Review?**

Chie was Shizuru's top priority when she went back to school on Monday.

It was difficult to get the girl alone, because she was always surrounded by groupies (potential dates, she called them) but Shizuru finally managed it at lunch break when the dark haired girl was going off to the bathrooms. To Shizuru this would be the perfect place to talk because she didn't want people overhearing. It was a private matter, after all.

The morning after Valentines night, which Shizuru secretly referred to as her awakening, Tomoe had eaten breakfast with them – after a half-naked Natsuki averted the crisis of a crispy kitchen and tossed Shizuru's burnt toast out the window, which would have ordinarily been hilarious had Shizuru not been able to take her eyes of Natsuki's features, the most prominent of those being her breasts.

Unrestrained, the decent-sized mounds bounced with her every movement and Shizuru's mouth had gone dry, her bones hollowed, marrow replaced with a desperate ache; an ache to touch, to tease, to taste.

This was when the first reverberation of repercussion made itself known in her head. Now that she had truly crossed the line into adult desires, was she going to feel this way forever? A burning in her limbs and a tingling between her legs, heart pumping hot and heavy as her head clouded with passion whenever she looked at Natsuki and remembered with flushed cheeks those moans she had been privy to?

The moans of sexual satisfaction; _oh_, how she wanted to be the one bringing her dark haired delight over the edge.

The rational part of her mind told her that the fires would dim over time, and the idealist inside her made a jar of coal to store those embers until it was time for them to fully ignite. But even tamed, the fires would still be burning and she would continue to be aware of that.

She worried that she wouldn't be able to keep her hands to herself until the time was right. That was why it was imperative that she speak to Chie.

She followed Chie into the girls' bathroom after the first swing of the door, slipping in quickly and catching Chie before she could enter a cubicle.

"Well hey, Shizuru," Chie said with surprise, which quickly morphed into a playful leer, "wanted to catch me alone, huh? Something you wanna tell me?"

"Actually, yes," Shizuru replied and the sheer stunned surprise on Chie's face was worth the implications. All cubicles were empty, void of any eavesdroppers, but Shizuru knew she only had a matter of minutes before complications arose and students poured into the bathroom. "You know a lot about sex, yes?"

"I sure do," Chie replied proudly, recovering. She slithered to Shizuru's side and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Looking for your first experience, huh? You've finally awoken, and want a steady hand to guide you into the waters of pleasure?"

"I've already had an experience, Chie," Shizuru said, amusement overshadowed by urgency. Chie blinked, shocked for the third time in less than two minutes. "But, ara, it's so very complicated. I need advice."

The friend in Chie was concerned about the unreadable aura surrounding Shizuru which smelt specifically of change, but the gossiper inside rattled the bars of her cage in animalistic delight about being able to sink her teeth into what instinct told her would be a very juicy steak of information. Adopting a professional expression, Chie guided Shizuru out of the bathrooms. "I know somewhere more private we can talk," she explained to smooth out the confused expression that appeared on the brunette's face.

Chie led Shizuru to an empty classroom that had suspiciously remained unlocked. Chie simply tapped her nose with a smile at Shizuru's question and perched herself on the desk that usually belonged to a Miss Senou, who taught Japanese literature. Chie spread her hands invitingly and said, "so. Talk."

And Shizuru talked. While Chie might have been a gossip queen, Shizuru had known her for many years and knew she could trust her with these matters. Chie was actually an excellent secret keeper when it came to her friends, and Shizuru desperately needed someone to talk to.

All of it came spilling out; her first inklings of a crush on Natsuki, how it developed into love, her jealousy against Tomoe, and the most recent addition of her sexual want, Natsuki being the focal point of all these desires. By the end of her speech, Chie looked something close to gobsmacked, though behind her glasses her eyes gleamed.

Shizuru waited for Chie to speak, resisting the urge to shuffle her feet awkwardly. It took a moment, but Chie finally opened her mouth. "So…you have the hots for your sister, who already has a girlfriend and who potentially might not like you back in the same way…"

"She is not my sister," Shizuru found herself snapping defensively. "We are not related."

Chie held her hands up in surrender. "Sorry, sorry."

Shizuru bit her lip anxiously. "So what should I do?"

Chie was torn in so many different ways. The friends' pride inside her wanted to help Shizuru, to give her the sexual advice she seemed to want in regards to wooing her sis-Natsuki. She wanted to be the one to help Shizuru get together with someone she seemed to be deeply in love with.

There was the gossip side of her in a state of suspended disbelief that the quiet, mild mannered Shizuru Fujino she had been friends with for such a long time was involved in such a scandal and had these passionate feelings. Not that she'd thought her a robot, but Chie had been convinced Shizuru was a simple creature who didn't delve in the world of relationships.

Then there was the side of her that wasn't excited about all this, the rational side who she liked to call Killjoy. The side that warned her that anything she said to Shizuru that could be taken literally had the power to destroy the brunette's relationship with Natsuki as much as it did strengthen it.

This gamble was a dangerous one. In her euphoric bubble about Tomoe and Natsuki not being in love and the drowning hopes that she had a chance, Shizuru didn't seem to be considering how Natsuki actually felt.

Knowing Natsuki for a while, although not extremely personally but enough that she garnered her personality and relationship with Shizuru, Chie would say that Natsuki neither found Shizuru attractive in that manner nor had any notion of the brunette's feelings. She simply saw the girl as a younger sister, as much as Shizuru wanted to lay waste to that title regarding them both.

To feed Shizuru's hope now could potentially have disastrous consequences for both Shizuru and Natsuki. Their bond, one which Shizuru wanted to strengthen, could be destroyed completely and that would break Shizuru's heart. But Shizuru's heart was already breaking, and Chie's head began to hurt thinking about it all.

In the end, she decided that she would help but in a way that would perhaps do a little to ward Shizuru away from this path. Chie knew that sometimes you have to risk it to win it, but she very much doubted that Shizuru would win this "game". Chie had heard about Tomoe and Natsuki throughout the school and knew them to be quite serious about each other.

But looking at Shizuru, who was regarding her with wet eyes filled with hope and heartbreak, Chie knew she was powerless. This was ultimately the reason she gathered the younger girl to her side and proceeded to tell her what she thought she should do, relaying the plan that would secretly, maybe hopefully, give Shizuru enough time to see that she would probably have to get over her sister. The girls talked way into their lunch break.

First she gave Shizuru advice about sex. The part of her plan that would keep Shizuru away from Natsuki was to tell her to wait until she was sixteen to approach Natsuki with this sexual desire. Shizuru had been adamant that she couldn't do this, that her desires were burning too strong, but Chie assured her that since Natsuki was older she wouldn't relish a relationship with a minor. Eventually, much to Chie's relief, Shizuru agreed, saying that if she'd waited this long two more years wouldn't be too hard.

Then Chie told her all she knew about sex. This was somewhat lengthy because Chie talked a lot of how a girl could pleasure herself in more ways than one (since she got the distinct feeling that for the next two years Shizuru would be doing a lot of this). Then, Shizuru asked how to seduce someone, and Chie was struggling with the urge to bite her tongue. This was where things could get dangerous.

In the end, her position as a friend won out, and she told Shizuru all she knew from her experience about what a girl likes and how she likes it to be done to her, stressing that it was important to remember that every girl was different and some might not like things others do etc.

Shizuru listened with rapt attention and by the time Chie was done talking, Shizuru looked more determined than ever. There was a hint of steel in her eyes and before she thanked Chie and left, she nodded in a sure way that said she was confident about doing this.

Chie could only wonder worriedly if she'd made a mistake.

To say that the two years Shizuru spent biding her time passed uneventfully would be a lie. In those two years not only did she improve her outward mask of calm sensibility, smarts and general aloofness (her father told her she was more like her mother as each day passed) but she also improved her studies.

She joined the student council and filled her school time with those duties and studying for her exams. She was surprised when she won the vote to be president, but her rival Haruka told her it was simply because she was the prettiest girl in school and no other reason.

Shizuru became confident with her looks also. She'd grown out of that awkward preteen-plus body and was developing to be a nice, shapely woman. She was not arrogant, but she knew she was pretty. Her mother had been a pretty woman, too, and Shizuru had inherited those looks along with her womanly charm and grace – and endless patience. To Shizuru, her looks were simply something she could use to her advantage.

Her time out of school was spent differently, maintaining a friendly if a little distant relationship with Natsuki while she prepared, waited, and studied the object of her affection in new light.

These were considered her "other studies", and over those two years of wanton desires, held in check by the barrier of hope and Chie's instructions, Shizuru discovered many creative ways to please a female body (even if it was her own). Her desire for Natsuki reigned as strong as ever, but Shizuru was a diligent student and trained her patience and control well.

During these two years, Natsuki also progressed. She graduated, not with flying colours being that she skipped class a lot and was a bit of a delinquent, but good enough that her grades would sustain her during her life. She got a job at a local supermarket, saying that even though it wasn't the best, it was a start. She still lived at home with them and was paying rent.

All the while, her relationship with Tomoe stayed the same. Tomoe had also graduated, but unlike Natsuki her grades had been much better and she was applying for a college course somewhere in Tokyo. This sent a thrill of hope through Shizuru's system, especially when she was feeling wrung out and down from all this waiting.

Maybe Tomoe would move away and she would finally have a chance with Natsuki. Her sixteenth birthday was fast approaching; she would be of legal age to have consensual sex, and would begin her plan to finally have her Natsuki.

When her sixteenth birthday came, she was more than happy. The party at a local karaoke bar had been great; she'd drunk a little, not as much as Haruka who had to be carried home, and lots of people had come. She was very popular at her school and once someone caught wind it was her birthday and the location of her party, everyone knew.

Natsuki had not been there. She had been working, and although she was disappointed, Shizuru held strong. It was finally time. She had gone home in high spirits, with lots of money and gifts from people who meant little to her, because all she really wanted for her birthday was Natsuki.

But she knew from experience with Natsuki that she had to take things slow. Start small, just showing Natsuki that she wasn't a child anymore. That she was ready for an adult relationship, and she _wanted _Natsuki more than anything.

She began with innocent things, an absent stretch that "accidentally" pushed her generous chest in Natsuki's face, or a careless bump that gave her a quick grope, or some very suggestive comments and innuendos. Most of these were accompanied by embarrassed blushes on Natsuki's part, a quick stammer of apology and a flee of the scene (because for all her bravado and experience, Natsuki was still secretly a bit reserved), but Shizuru was determined.

Natsuki would see that she was an attractive woman, and that she wanted her. She would see that they would be good together, that they _belonged _together. She would see that Shizuru was so much more right for her than Tomoe. It would just take time.

Time, apparently, that she did not have.

One evening Natsuki came home later than usual. Shizuru had been watching a movie with her parents, who were still very much in love, about a faithful dog that waited years for the return of his owner. It was quite emotional and had her feeling a little turbulent; she was not at all ready for the bombshell the object of her affection was about to drop.

"Hey guys," Natsuki said when she came in the room; her presence burst in like an explosion of power and colour. She seemed excited. "I've got something to tell you!"

Instantly, their attention was taken from the movie to the unusually jubilant girl standing in the doorway, grinning from ear to ear. She looked so happy; her expression took Shizuru's breath away.

"What is it, oh wonderfully late daughter of mine?" Saeko said with a chuckle, "You seem so very pleased with yourself about something."

What came out of Natsuki's mouth next would be the hammer that shattered Shizuru's ice heart. "Tomoe asked me to marry her!"

As she lifted her hand and showed flabbergasted parents a sparkling diamond on her ring finger, Shizuru's world caved in. It spun and curled around her, taunting her with a vicious wave before being sucked into the vortex that was the hole in her chest where her heart had been.

_No._

She barely heard the words Natsuki was still speaking. "She got accepted on the course she applied for and so she has to move to Tokyo, and I'm gonna go with her! She asked me earlier; she called me up while I was at work and said we needed to talk. You know how freaked I was? I thought she was gonna dump me, but no! We're gonna get married!"

"Ara, ara, Natsuki…this is so wonderful!" Said Takashi, rushing to his step daughter's side. "Don't you think so, Saeko?"

"Are you sure you're ready for marriage, Natsuki?" Her mother said, not as enthusiastic as Takashi. "You're only twenty, after all."

"Mom, you know I love Tomoe, and she loves me!" Said Natsuki, "Here is the proof!" She waved her hand in the air and the gem caught the light, looking ever so pretty and like…like it belonged on Natsuki's finger.

Shizuru had no voice, no air…no soul. It was gone.

"Well, if you're sure…" Saeko said; she had to smile when Natsuki nodded vigorously.

"You're damn right I am! Tomoe is the best thing to ever happen to me; I'm so happy!"

And there was little her parents could do but get swept up in their eldest daughter's joy, while their other silently died inside. She hadn't moved, spoken, barely breathed. This was all wrong, all wrong…

"Hey, squirt, what do you think? You haven't said anything yet."

Suddenly Natsuki was in her face, waving absently to get her attention with a huge grin. Shizuru blinked; so close, and yet so far away…she could reach out and touch Natsuki, but now it would feel like she was grabbing smoke.

There was a lump in her throat.

_What do I think? Natsuki…I think you've broken my heart._

Natsuki was waiting for an answer. She looked so happy that Shizuru's heart broke for the second time in a matter of minutes. Pasting on a smile was the hardest thing Shizuru had ever done, the second hardest adding the words afterwards.

"Ara, I'm so happy for you, Suki-chan," she forced the false words past the blockage in her airway. She rarely used her nickname for Natsuki, her sisterly nickname, but now it was appropriate. Her voice sounded plastic to her own ears, but Natsuki seemed too pleased to notice. She squeezed her sister into a quick hug and bounded back to their parents to show them the ring again.

Shizuru blinked, the smile crumbling as soon as Natsuki turned away, and a hand flew to her chest where she felt a tight pain that spread, like a thousand needles breaking off and digging into her skin. She had to get away from Natsuki, from her engagement bliss, from the images in her own head, from her hopes slinking away. Had to escape…

She fled to the dubious safety of their bedroom _which is soon to become _my _bedroom again…like it was before…_ She threw herself on her bed and tried not to wretch.

_No…why is this happening…_

They were getting married. They were in love. Shizuru's life was over.

"Hey…Shizuru? Are you okay?"

She wasn't sure how long she'd been buried beneath her covers, trying to shut the world out, wishing that a vacuum would appear and suck in to take her away from this…agony, but she was wrenched away from numbing herself by Natsuki's tender voice gently asking.

Idly, Shizuru realised she had been crying as she poked her head out of the covers to look through blurry eyes at her sister, standing questioningly in the room. Shizuru didn't want to look at Natsuki, to look at the pretty girl that she had no chance of touching any longer. All those years…and this happened.

_Did I wait too long…? Or…was it just not meant to be?_

Spotting Shizuru's tears, Natsuki hurried to the brunette's side and knelt down. She was so close, her face beautifully concerned, and it ached inside Shizuru that this would never belong to her.

"Shizuru! Why are you crying? What's wrong?"

As she gazed into concerned green eyes, which had captivated her since the moment she first saw them, Shizuru was suddenly filled with a new kind of emotion.

Desperation.

"Shizuru?" Natsuki's voice became confused as she sensed the spontaneous change in the brunette, but yelped in surprise when Shizuru suddenly sprang up, yanking Natsuki onto her bed and hovering over her. The dark haired girl blinked up at her sister in shock, and a little bit of apprehension. Shizuru's eyes had become fierce.

"Don't marry Tomoe, Natsuki. I beg of you," she whispered reverently, pushing down with her weight when Natsuki began to struggle. Her kneecaps dug into Natsuki's soft abdomen, and she ignored the dark haired girl's wince.

"What's the matter with you? What is this all of a sudden?" Natsuki demanded; her hands shot up to attempt to grip Shizuru's shoulders in order to push her off but Shizuru saw to it this could not be done; she grabbed Natsuki's wrists and pinned them to the bed.

Now she was straddling Natsuki, her hair unruly from the struggle. Strands were tickling Natsuki's face, and a part of Shizuru that wasn't overcome by this desperation idly noted how brunette and midnight blue mixed together; Natsuki's hair was splayed behind her like an inky sea and Shizuru thought her own lighter hair looked like rivulets of colour floating by.

"Please, Natsuki. _Please_." She begged, feeling moisture build up in her eyes once more. She wasn't aware, but to Natsuki they looked like miniature volcanic eruptions.

"Why are you saying this? I thought you were happy for me?" The girl pressed nonetheless. Shizuru was acting so out of character. The grip on Natsuki's arms tightened to the point where it was painful.

"You don't understand, Natsuki…" Shizuru moaned, "I've waited so long…all this time…I've tried to make you see, make you notice…but you haven't, and now I…"

She was cut off by a sob that pushed its way out of her throat. Natsuki flinched when the first of her sister's hot tears splashed onto her cheeks and nose. Marginally she felt her ire ease, replaced by sympathy and a frustrated sadness that she didn't know why Shizuru was behaving this way.

"Shizuru…" she whispered, soft and caring, trying to make the brunette look at her because as soon as the tears came, Shizuru had ducked her head and curtained her face behind her hair.

It had its effect; Shizuru recaptured their gaze, and there was that fierceness again. Shizuru had decided that she had no other choice. "Natsuki…I will make you see," she said, her expression hard and determined.

"See what?" Natsuki began to ask, but was interrupted when out of the blue and with no warning Shizuru smashed their lips together.

It could hardly be called a kiss; moreover, Shizuru pushing a messy, emotional mix of lust, love, desperation and heartache into Natsuki's mouth. Shizuru was inexperienced, in a hurry, and anxious for Natsuki's acceptance. _Understand, Natsuki…I love you…I want you…I need you…_

For the first few seconds Natsuki had gone rigid with astonishment, as though she could not believe this was happening. But when Shizuru's tongue dared to dart out across her lips, she moved. With a muffled yell, she thrust her body upwards and dislodged their connection, as Shizuru was still tightly holding her arms. When Shizuru pulled away, staring down at Natsuki full of emotion, Natsuki's chest was heaving as she looked into those red eyes, feeling shock, disbelief, and other unnameable emotions.

"Wh-what…what are you doing?" She stammered with eyes of green wide. Shizuru was still crying, she noted absently. The tears didn't seem to want to stop, but the crimson of Shizuru's irises had gone a strange, cloudy colour.

"I love you, Natsuki," Shizuru whispered reverently, "I really do. That's why you shouldn't marry Tomoe. You should be with me instead."

Incredulity spread across Natsuki's face. She didn't seem to know what to do. Shizuru watched tenderly as Natsuki struggled. "But…but you're my kid sister…"

"No!" Shizuru yelled, "I'm not your sister and I'm not a child! See?" She moved one of Natsuki's arms, placing the hand on her breast and making it squeeze.

"Stop it!" Natsuki shouted, her face turning a brilliant shade of red. Shizuru refused to stop. She did the same with Natsuki's other hand.

"See? I'm a woman now, and I'm pretty, I know it! I love you so much, Natsuki…so please…" _Be mine…_

When she leaned down with the intent of biting the dark haired girl's earlobe sensually, like Chie had said a girl liked, Natsuki had finally had enough. "_No_!"

Using all her strength, she pushed Shizuru off her body. The younger girl fell back, hitting her head hard on the end of the bed. Natsuki scrambled away from her and wrapped her arms around her own shoulders protectively, watching Shizuru slowly collect herself.

She pressed a hand against her head, looking lost as she turned her eyes to Natsuki. Seeing something akin to betrayal on the dark haired girl's face, Shizuru crumbled completely. Her lips quivered, tears coming in torrents and dripping off her chin. "K-Kannin na…Natsuki…Kannin…" she couldn't finish, and broke off into a sob.

"I…you…" Natsuki could not form words either so instead, she fled.

Shizuru waited until she heard the sound of Natsuki thundering down the staircase and then the front door open and slam shut before sprinting to the bathroom. She barely made it in time to empty her stomach into the toilet.

She threw up until there was nothing left, and then with a pitiful wail, crumpled into a heap and cried. She stayed this way until Saeko found her, originally wanted to quiz the girl about why Natsuki had suddenly stormed out when moments before she had been happy.

"Oh, dear…" she mumbled, gathering the bawling girl into her arms as motherly instinct nearly flattened her. She had never seen Shizuru cry like this. She pulled the girl completely into her lap and rocked her like one would a baby. "There, there…" She stroked her step daughter's back soothingly and waited 'til the sobs died down some.

"What happened?" She asked gently, assuming she and Natsuki had had a fight for some reason, perhaps about Natsuki moving out. If anything, Saeko guessed that Natsuki was the only one who could make Shizuru cry like this. The girl had loved her since day one.

"I…she…I…" Shizuru still could not speak, wet hiccups encompassing her and shaking her form with their intensity.

"Alright, come on," Saeko cooed, leading Shizuru downstairs and into the kitchen where she made her a cup of tea and sat her at the table so she could calm down. When she finally did, Saeko spoke again. "Your father went after Natsuki," Shizuru flinched at the name, and Saeko rubbed her shoulder for comfort. "…what happened? Did she upset you?"

Shizuru suddenly felt so guilty. She looked at Saeko with such beseeching red eyes that the elder woman was momentarily breathless. "No…it was me…"

And then it all came spilling out, and by the end of the tale, Saeko had sunk into a free chair and sat speechless. Shamed, Shizuru turned away and could not look at her.

_She didn't want me_, was all that kept reverberating in Shizuru's head, _Natsuki…why…_

"Oh, Shizuru," Saeko finally breathed, "I had no idea…"

And instead of the slap or berating Shizuru expected, she was shocked when a pair of soft motherly arms embraced her again. A hand began to pet her hair. Shizuru felt her eyes welling up again, chin wobbling.

"All this time you've loved Natsuki, and I never noticed…I'm an awful mother," Saeko was saying. "Oh…this is a fine mess indeed…"

Shizuru didn't know what to say, too stunned to even try.

"Shizuru," Saeko broke the silence after a moment, "you know what you did was wrong, don't you? Forcing yourself on Natsuki?"

"Y-yes," Shizuru managed with a timid nod. She tensed, but Saeko's arms tightened around her. "I…I just wanted to make her see…"

"I know," Saeko soothed, "but you went about it in the wrong way. Natsuki doesn't like surprises, or being forced into submission. She doesn't handle things like what you did well and reacts on instinct. You probably scared the life out of her…"

Guilt was like a tidal wave over Shizuru. She remembered that betrayed look, the shaking voice…_oh, Natsuki…I'm so sorry._

She was a mess. She knew it. And so immature…to act so blindly on her love with desperation…

"Maybe…Natsuki would have reacted differently if you'd just spoken to her about your feelings," Saeko said, "but what's done is done. She's a stubborn girl, but she'll come around eventually. If I know her, she ran off to do some serious thinking…but I can't say anything for how she feels about you, because…"

"Because she's getting married," Shizuru supplied in monotone. She felt Saeko hesitantly nod against her and felt the numbing sensation that had begun at the start of Natsuki's declaration return. It was icy, unrelenting, and…comforting. It soothed the broken edges of her heart, and so she latched onto it.

"Don't worry," Saeko said, "Takashi will find her and bring her home, and then we can talk this through and fix it. I'm sure Natsuki's just surprised, that's all–"

"No," Shizuru said, grasping the edges of her mask from the abyss and bringing it back up, stretching it over her face; over her raging emotions, calming them like the moon to the tide. "No. I don't want to talk about it. It should just be forgotten."

"But–"

"It's alright." Shizuru smiled serenely at Saeko, drying her eyes as she pushed out of her step mother's arms. "I realise now that these desires are twisted, and should be forgotten. I should not tarnish Natsuki in this way, nor should I ruin her relationship with the woman she l-loves." Shizuru faltered only a little but was proud of herself for not breaking down entirely.

Saeko stared at her in astonishment, but Shizuru simply reached out and patted her hand. "Thank you for listening to me and offering me a comforting embrace. I am very sorry for what I did to your daughter, and I can only pray that you forgive me, even if…" _Even if Natsuki never does._

Then she left the kitchen and a stunned Saeko behind, returning to her room and curling up on her bed, refusing to acknowledge everything that was going on inside her. If Natsuki never spoke to her again…perhaps that would be for the better.

The next day Natsuki eventually came home, but it was only to collect her things as she had decided to bump up her move into Tomoe's apartment. She spoke little to her worried parents and nothing to Shizuru, and though her parents were sad to see her go, Natsuki was of age and earning a responsible wage.

Takashi had been informed by Saeko about what had occurred between his daughters and although he didn't ask nor press Shizuru for any details, knowing she did not want to talk about it, he held her as she wept during the first night in six years she'd spent alone in their – no_, her _– room, as the wounds were still fresh and the Agony rattled its chains against the bars of the cage she'd locked it away in.

That was the last time she cried. She went back to school as normal, as though Natsuki had never even entered her life, but became more elusive and aloof than ever. She was the distant Kaichou of Fuuka High that everyone wanted to be with and no one knew anything about.

Chie, concerned, asked on many occasions what had happened, noticing the difference immediately. But Shizuru never divulged; not to her worried friends, or her worried parents. They accepted her plea to pretend the incident between she and Natsuki had never happened, although they were terribly concerned, but sensed not to stress Shizuru.

She was getting fabulous grades at school, throwing herself into her work and becoming a rising star with the potential to attend the most prestigious of universities. She never let herself think about Natsuki.

Natsuki herself didn't come back to the house. If her parents wanted to see her, they went to her new apartment to do so. She called them sometimes, but never spoke to Shizuru. This was just fine, as far as Shizuru was concerned. She wanted to forget, forget about Natsuki…

_But that could never happen. _

Shizuru knew she would love Natsuki until the day she died, but she would have to learn to accept that.

She didn't receive an invitation to Tomoe and Natsuki's wedding, but then, neither did their parents. Shizuru did not know, nor care to know, why.

All she concentrated on was her duties as school president and her grades. It was enough to keep her going, and she put a decent content air that it eased her parents' suspicions and worries. Her acting skills had dramatically improved, she was pleased to say.

Her parents thought that she was finally getting over her first love, as many teenagers did, finding someone else to move onto.

Shizuru knew better. Natsuki was the missing piece of her broken heart, the piece her real mother had taken with her when she died. Even if Natsuki hated her and never spoke to her again, she would remain as such.

Then one day, during her final year at Fuuka High, she got a call.

She'd just got in from school, her parents still both at work, when the phone rang. She picked it up and affected her phone voice.

"Hello, Fujino residence."

"…hey, Shizuru."

Shizuru's heart stopped.

"…N-Natsuki…"

Silence reigned. Part of Shizuru wanted to slam the phone down; just the voice alone was bringing back such pain in Shizuru's heart. But she couldn't do that. She wouldn't. She hadn't perfected this mask for nothing.

"Mother and father are not here at this moment," she said, fighting to keep her voice even.

"…I, uh…actually wanted to talk to you."

The world was spinning.

"Ara." Even though Natsuki could not see it, Shizuru slapped on her trademark fake, serene smile. "Did Natsuki want to tell me about her wedding? Such an ikezu for not inviting us, Suki-chan!"

Even though the words hurt, they had to be said. Shizuru wanted to show Natsuki she could get over it, that she wouldn't do something like what caused the rift to her again. She could accept Natsuki did not love her in _that _way, because by God, despite everything, she missed her. Hearing her voice only confirmed it.

"Um, no…I…I didn't marry Tomoe."

Shizuru's breaths stopped coming. She didn't know what to say, which was alright because in her usual stammering way, Natsuki kept talking.

"I live on my own now, a lot nearer to Fuuka than Tokyo City, and…I was wondering if…if you wanted to come by some time so we could see each other, and maybe have some tea…and…talk about what happened that night, and…" There was something in Natsuki's tone that sent Shizuru's heart pounding. "And if…if you're still…interested. I know I have no right asking, and I treated you like a jerk but...well, I'd like to explain things to you in person, if...if that's alright."

A ray of hope shone down, and fixed one of the cracks in Shizuru's heart. She smiled her first real smile in two years. "I'd like that."


End file.
